If not now, when?

It’s cold! It’s dark! It’s early! Why am I awake before my alarm! The bed is so warm and the duvet is “heavy” as I begrudgingly push it off!

I make my way to the bathroom by the light of my phone, close the door and turn on the blinding light! Standing there looking in the mirror wondering what the point is and whether or not I should just go back to bed!

How is it that sometimes you see just the right message when you need it?!?!

I cave….turn off the light and slink back to the warmth of my bed. Cuddle up with my wife and then start thinking….

-          I put on my blog I was going to go for a run…

-          I have mates on my Garmin that will see that I didn’t go for a run…

-          I signed up to my run yesterday and am already skipping a run…

-          Damn it’s cold…

-          Damn my brain…

Stuff it, I’m up (still before my alarm would have gone off please note!) and this time I stomp over to the bathroom grumbling the whole way. My wife sleepily asks if everything is ok to which I snap back that I am in a “mood” (already and it is only just 5:30!).

Change into my cold waiting clothes. A loving jolt from the “freezing” tabs on the HR strap and I am back out of the bathroom, grumbling.

Like a petulant child I sulk out of the house and start the Garmin. Lip dragging on the floor I don’t really pay proper attention to my stretches while I skip song after song on my iPod trying to find a motivator…sad to note that the night before I loaded a heap of new songs to do just that…motivate!

HR found; satellites found; song found; stretches done (ish) and off I stride into the darkness.

With my breath misting before me I set off down my street. I fell ok, a few creaks and groans but ok. I have forgotten how to run in the pitch blackness. Scanning the ground a few feet in front to ensure that there is no waiting stone or hole to trap or trip. Cursing that driver that comes towards me with lights on full beam but welcoming the extended view of the path for a brief moment.

How strange it feels to be running again in the darkness of the early morning. Why does it feel like I need to re-learn so much? My stride feels off, my breathing not as natural.

A welcome break as I wait for the first cars of the morning to pass before I can cross the road. A tightness in my calf that gets the doubts fired up in my head again…why am I doing this? If it hurts now after such a short distance then what about for a longer? Why did I neglect my stretches…child!

A short walk as a respite for the tightening calf…and to appease the brain! Another area to rework on…silencing the doubting of the mind! The stride is shorter and has a bit of a limp, favouring the calf, and the breathing more ragged than it should be. Grateful respite in the arrival of the last km home.

Arrival home and a more diligent stretching routine carried out. Upload the Garmin to the computer and a refusal to review the stats….still too soon and still sulking over the run.

A welcoming wife who commends me on getting out of the house despite the lack of desire. I am so grateful for the support despite the frown and grumble of a lousy time!  

Deep down I am grateful for the early start and the ability to run. I am grateful for the changes I have made and the changes to come. I am grateful for the sore calf as it reminds me that I have done something and reminds me not to be such a child when it comes to the early start (and to stretch)! I am grateful for the support and love that I have and all my connections, cyber and flesh, that keep me accountable…and yes, deep down I suppose I am grateful for my brain!

Thanks for reading and here’s to a few more early mornings!